U Might Be If……..

I was raised among a religious sect known as the Independent Fundamentals {fundamentalist for short}. While everything on this list applies to them (hey, it’s kinda like growing up Jewish or Mormon), there are some that will, like the Redneck jokes, be a laugh for everyone. Enjoy!!

You might be a Fundamentalist if:

You have a life verse from one of the minor prophets.

You know the difference between Gunnie Sax and Burlap Sacks.

You own a Jesus First lapel pin and actually wear it.

You’ve ever gone on a date with someone who ‘received a vision from God’.

Your children had swimming lessons only to keep from drowning in the baptismal during their baptism.

Steve Green is a blessing and Keith Green is not.

You know what an omer and a hectre are, but can’t tell me about a meter.

You know Billy Sunday’s revival stats, but not his baseball stats.

You know more about late 19th to early 20th century Methodists than you do about late 20th century Baptists.

You know the Voice Crying in the Wilderness with the Sword of the Lord on the Way of Life because they are currently in your mail box.

You know who says ‘Nekid as a jaybird’, ‘How ’bout another banana cream pie’, or ‘Do Right Til the Stars Fall’ .

Your preacher has been jailed on principle at least once.

Your children all have hard to pronounce ancient Israelite names from Bible genealogies (ie Hezekiah Leshem Smith)

Your wife can only birth via a mid-wife.

Your wife gave birth and hours later she and baby were in a church service.

There is only one God-inspired out of print special order McCalls or Buttericks pattern from which to hand-make cullottes.

You can only have 6 VERY LARGE pleats in your skirts (if you don’t think pleats are worldly).

You have split ends because you believe any kind of female hair-cutting is worldly.

The only place on earth that is able to accomplish God’s purpose for the world is your church.

You are out of God’s Will because you are presently not at the afore-mentioned church.

You tape over private body parts under your clothes to keep others from committing sin.

Open-toed sandals are ungodly.

You believe the perfect salad compliment to a church banquet meal is a jello square on top of a leaf of lettuce topped with a dollop of mayonaise.

You know what the Board of Education is and it has nothing to do with people voting on school board issues.

You have ever prepared for the apocalypse by building a shelter in your back yard or stock piling food for future consumption.

You vote with the card the preacher gives you.

You have the signatures of at least 5 pastors accused of SOMETHING by ex-members in the flaps of your Bible.

You have a quilted placement design Bible cover on your Bible.

You’ve Gone on a Bear Hunt, Marched in the Lord’s Army, and Been Saved and You Know It because You’re a Sermon In Shoes.

You know that Sword drills have nothing to do with Muslim Terrorists.

You’ve been to a God & America Rally where USMC Vietnam Vet Tim Lee was the Speaker.

You can remember specific lines and scenes from every UNUSUAL FILMS movie ever made.

Your favorite pirate isn’t Johnny Depp, it’s Capn Patch (but only the early years…before he went baaaaaad!)

You have been a part of an organization that made you keep a book for Christian Service Points.

Give me oil in my Ford isn’t just a children’s song.

You know who Danny Orlis and The Sugar Creek Gang are.

You have(had) an Uncle named Charlie.

You have logged more hours in a bus than in a car.

You know your congressional representatives better than your cousins.

You have ever marched somewhere with a sign in your hand for something.

Your only form of entertainment is the illustration in the Sunday sermon.

You have ever said the word ‘STINK’ as a substitution for something else.

You have ever been with someone who prayed loudly in a public restaurant to draw attention to the fact that no one else in the restaurant was praying over their food.

You have heard the ‘but he had a friend’ sermon.

Your pastor has a nickname like ‘Machine Gun’.

You know the counter person at McDonald’s so well they already have your order punched in by the time you walk up to the counter.

You know that tunafish, mushroom soup, noodles and peas make a complete meal in under twenty minutes.

You have been to a mall armed with the Roman’s Road for soul-mugging.

You know that dancing, tongues and prophecy are no longer part of this church dispensation.

You have seen the Burning Hell film at least once.

You know what a two-finger salute means. (hint: hair check)

You know that rouge is the French word for red and red is like scarlett, the color of sin, so wearing rouge as make-up is WRONG!!

You know that questions are something only OTHER people have…because you have all the answers.

You have ever been a part of Amway, Shaklee, Herbal Life or some other MLM.

You have ever shot out or bashed in your television set, burned records or books or destroyed your radio.

You have ever swallowed a goldfish or earthworm in front of large screaming groups of children.

You were upset when you found out that Danny Orlis got married.

You know Beka isn’t just a girl’s name.

You know what to say when the preacher asks ‘And everybody said…’

Your preacher can go from Tears to worldly behavior Jeers to loud Priase Jesus Cheers faster than a Mustang can go from 0-60.

The words Work and Party have ever been used in the same sentence next to each other to describe the Monday night service.

You know what the Scofield Rule is for sitting together in church.

You have scripture plaques decorating your house.

You know the only acceptable occupation for boys after highschool is the military.

You have pictures of Jesus with holes in them where your momma gave Jesus a haircut.

You know the only acceptable vice is eating and you indulge in it every chance you get.

You have been to a wedding where no one danced OR drank.

Someone tells you to sing along to a song on the radio and you act like you’ve never heard it before (because you really haven’t ever heard it before)!

You know that little Bibles are for timid Christians.

You know more about King James than you do about King George.

You know why 1611 is a very important year.


4 Comments

  • I have been on dates with women who appeared to have a religious experience. The devil made me say that, but it’s TRUE!

  • hahaha. very funny, pauline! you should be doing stand-up comedy! lol =]

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