Today, I’m in a mood to fix things. I decided to use some old plans I had found on the Internet awhile ago to build this time machine so I could go backwards in time on a humanitarian mission.My reasoning was to fix some Bible characters so we wouldn’t have to fight over the semantics of their lives as applied to our own. I thought it would make things a little easier. And women are, after all, programmed for this ‘fixing things’.
So I went to a doctor friend of mine and he loaded me up with a ton of prescription medicine samples. Yes siree, I’m gonna fix things by handing out free drugs. I think it’s safe to assume that most Biblical figures (outside of Abraham) are considered low-income.
So I got in the time machine loaded down with my prescription drug hand-outs and started punching buttons, pulling levers and swirling dials. And before I knew it, I had landed in another time.
A palace. THE palace…OK, so I guess I over-estimated low income applications as I was ushered before King David…he couldn’t sleep. I had just the cure for him. Here, Sir, a bit of Lunesta there and you won’t have to be up on the roof top over looking Uriah’s yard.
With King David sleeping like a baby, there would be no baby to hide from Uriah and therefore, no reason to send him to the front lines to kill him. Problem solved, easy peasie. On to the next one.
More dialing, flipping and pushing…and I’m right in the middle of Philistine camp. Just walking up before me, a large swarthy strong man with long Nazarite hair. Samson!! I reached into the bag. A very simple solution for him. NoDoz. His hair intact, his source of strength protected, the Philistines are defeated and Delilah is put out as it should be. Fixed that one…
I was getting really good at this. Where would the time machine land next? Another palace? What on earth do these people do to their kings?? This time it was King Saul. After a little assessment, I had just the thing for him. A little blue pill…Zoloft. No need to bring David and his harp to the palace, and thus, no need to be mad at David when he kills the giant…because Saul is in working order for the job.
Suddenly I had an idea…I got back in the time machine and searched out every way possible to FORCE myself to a specific time and place and then prayed for it to work. Providence persisted and it did. I landed smack dab outside Abraham’s tent.
I looked around and saw no one at first. Then I saw her. I quickly ran over and began talking with her. Sarah began explaining how she was getting on in years and hadn’t had the promised child yet. As we worked our way through the conversation, I deduced that she hadn’t yet given Hagar to Abraham as a substitute. I told her I had just the thing to solve her problem and she wouldn’t have to use Hagar. I dug through the medicine bag…wallah!
Here, take this.
Heparin. All she needed was a little heparin and progesterone.
With the help of fertility drugs, there was no need to use Hagar. Without Hagar, there was no Ishmael. Without Ishmael, there was no Islam.
I had created world peace! All with the help of a few little pills.